


Time Passes and I'm Not Alone

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Non-Binary!!! on Ice! [5]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Katsuki Yuuri, Non-Binary Katsuki Yuuri, Other, Russian Skate Family - Freeform, Supportive Russian Skate Family, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Time Skips, some transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 09:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11399463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: Yuuri comes out as Genderfluid. Most are supportive some are not, some mean to be but fail.It's a difficult journey but not as difficult as Yuuri originally thought it would be





	Time Passes and I'm Not Alone

**Author's Note:**

> There is a character who is dismissive of Yuuri's gender and mildly transphobic without being violent. Just constant deliberate misgendering and saying "there's only two genders" it's brief and they get called out in an effective but hilarious way but I wanted to give a heads up. It's marked bye *** so it's skippable if you want to but really I think it's worth it just to read the call out.

Yuuri wanted to just have a nice evening watching a movie with Victor in their apartment but they couldn’t.

They’d laughed it off when they told Victor about being genderfluid months ago and Victor seemed to accept it but at the same time he didn’t question it and Yuuri felt too timid to explain their worries and needs.

Today Yuuri had been reading about non-binary identities and affirmations on Tumblr and other sites and just…Yuuri was tired of lying. Tired of pretending to be just male and at the same time was so scared of talking to Victor about it.

Even though they knew Victor loved them.

Even though they knew Victor wouldn’t reject them about this.

But it was too much and it had to come out.

“Victor?” Yuuri asked timidly from where they had curled in on themselves.

Victor looked over and noticed Yuuri’s posture and immediately straightened, his full attention on Yuuri.

“Yes dear?”

Yuuri took a deep breath.

“You know how I told you I’m genderfluid?” Victor nodded and Yuuri drew another deep shaky breath before continuing “Well when I told you you didn’t have to do anything and that it was no big deal I was lying.”

Victor didn’t say anything but he reached out a hand and placed it on Yuuri’s clenched fists, his expression soft and comforting.

“I…I get dysphoria. Where I hate how my body doesn’t match how I feel. Like today when I’m a woman and I know I’m a woman inside but my stupid body doesn’t match and I don’t have anything to help me feel the way I am but I’m afraid to ask for it, afraid it’s stupid or you won’t want me anymore” Yuuri had started crying, tears running down their face as they croaked out their fears.

“Oh Yuuri of course I will still want you” Victor started but Yuuri violently shook their head.

“You don’t get it! You don’t get it at all! When we have sex sometimes I pretend I’m a woman and then feel guilty because I know that’s not what you want! That the parts I actually have are the parts you’re attracted to and I feel sick and guilty for being in my head pretending otherwise! I’m worried I’m never going to be man enough for you and it scares me to death because I can’t lose you! I just can’t!” Yuuri was full on sobbing. Maccachin had come over and was whining next to the couch but Yuuri couldn’t even pet her they were so tightly curled in on themselves.

Victor sat with his hands hovering over Yuuri, unsure whether to pull them into a hug or not. Eventually he sat back and ran a hand through his hair.

“Yuuri…yes I’m gay and attracted to the genitals you have but that’s not what attracts me to you really. You attract me, the person inside who is kind and funny and sassy and sarcastic and surprising and wonderful. That’s more important to me than what’s between your legs.” Victor told them.

Yuuri uncurled a little, still crying but peering over at Victor.

“Yuuri…I can try to do things to lessen the dysphoria if I can help but it’s absolutely okay to imagine whatever you want and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I’m happy for you to buy makeup or clothing that helps you feel more yourself on days when you’re a woman and I don’t mind it at all. What I do mind you feeling like I’m going to leave you for it. I never ever would. I’m sorry didn’t immediately see how important this was.”

Yuuri uncurled a bit and reached for Victor who immediately pulled them into his arms.

“I’m sorry and thank you” Yuuri whispered.

“What can I do to help and is it okay to ask what brought this on today?” Victor asked as he ran his hands up and down Yuuri’s back.

“Well…I would feel happier if you used gender neutral pronouns when talking about me or just my name and…can you try to use gender neutral terms about me? Like spouse instead of husband?” Yuuri squeezed Victor and buried their face in their lover’s chest. They had thought about the different options and gender neutral pronouns felt the most right.

“I can do that, it may take some practice and gentle nudges to keep me on track but I’ll do my best” Victor brought up his other hand to pet Yuuri’s hair until they sighed and turned their head.

“As to what brought this on…” Yuuri began, pausing to hug Victor tighter, “I want to come out. I want to tell everyone. I know it will be hard and people won’t understand or will misgender me and the press will be a nightmare but I’m so tired of lying Victor. I lied to myself for 23 years and it hurt me so much. I’m tired of denying myself the ability to be honest”

Victor hugged them closer.

“Whatever you want love”

+++

It started with a phonecall to their friends and family in Japan. It was a group call including everyone except the triplets.

Minako was unsurprised as was Yuuko. Mari thought it was cool. Takeshi and Yuuri’s parents didn’t get it at all but were supportive. They didn’t have to understand it to love Yuuri after all. Yuuko promised to explain to the girls later.

The next call was to Phichit who screamed “CALLED IT!” and was happy and supportive.

Victor called Chris and told him and he was unsurprisingly fine with it.

They told their rink mates the next day and it went surprisingly well.

Georgi told them he would do his best but not to hesitate to correct him if he messed up the pronouns.

Mila immediately offered to take Yuuri shopping for clothes an offer Yuuri shyly accepted.

Yurio didn’t say anything at all which surprised everyone. He just tutted and said he needed to get back to training.

Yakov took Yuuri aside and told Yuuri he had suspected something like this back when Victor was a teen and had investigated support groups for trans and later non-binary identities. When Victor came out as gay but cis Yakov still maintained his list and kept it up to date because “It’s figure skating. It was bound to happen with one of you eventually” and he gave over the list to Yuuri with a pat on their back.

Later during a break Yurio sauntered over to Yuuri and sat next to them. Yuuri tensed, ready to defend themselves.

“So…Katsudon…how’d you know?” Yurio asked quietly. Yuuri looked at the teenager but Yurio looked away quickly.

“I guess deep inside I always knew. I had days when I cried and didn’t want to get out of bed because my body was wrong. It felt like an itch or an ache for something I didn’t have. I remember standing outside a department store and looking at a sundress on a mannequin and just…longing. I knew I didn’t want to be a woman all the time so I wasn’t transgender but there was something…it wasn’t until I came across a list of non-binary identities that I realised I was genderfluid. It was like everything clicked into place” Yuuri kept looking at Yurio out of the corner of their eye. Yurio looked tensed but nodded along.

Yuuri leaned back on the bench and stared at the ceiling.

“You know Yakov gave me a list of trans and non-binary support groups in the area but I really don’t want to go alone…Do you mind coming with me” they heard Yurio give a sigh of relief.

“Yeah I suppose so Katsudon. Just so you don’t freak out and cry in the bathroom again” he said gruffly. Yuuri smiled, that was Yurio; so dishonest.

+++

As time passed it just became another part of their lives.

Mila took Yuuri shopping and helped them buy excellent dresses, blouses, skirts, and makeup and then did a lesson with the entire Russian skate family on how to properly apply makeup.

The whole Russian skate family came as a show of solidarity but also because Mila’s makeup was on point and Georgi in particular wanted to know her secrets.

They struggled a bit with pronouns but always responded to the gentle “they” when they used “he” with a quick correction without making a big deal about it. They also corrected each other and slowly they all got used to it and rarely made mistakes.

Yuuri’s parents never got it and kept using “he” but they didn’t harbour any ill will. Their parents loved them but they never really understood them.

Yuuri always wore the same clothing to practice but they started going home sometimes in dresses and heels (Mila taught him how to walk in them. Chris when he visited taught him how to WORK them), sometimes with makeup sometimes without.

Yurio attended the support groups with them and seemed to get more out of it then Yuuri though they hadn’t come out as anything.

There were still bad day.

Like when Victor got home and found Yuuri curled up on the couch eating cookie dough and watching Monster Factory.

“What’s wrong?” Victor crossed the room quickly ready to offer whatever support was needed.

Yuuri paused and then slowly turned and looked him in the eye.

“I’m depressed because I have a dick and I don’t have breasts” Yuuri informed Victor blankly.

There was a beat of silence before Yuuri brought their hands up and, putting on a wide fake smile, did jazz hands as they said “Dysphoria!”

There was another pause before Victor snorted.

“Is it okay to laugh?” he asked with a fond smile.

“Only if you come over her and cuddle me and tell me I’m pretty as well” Yuuri demanded which Victor was happy to oblige.

So there were bad days but things were more good than bad.

+++

It was fine until the media caught wind.

It started with pictures of them in a dress out on a date with Victor from some paparazzi site. The press went insane meaning they had to address it.

They put out a statement via Morooka explaining Yuuri’s gender and preferred pronouns.

The press found nothing except pre-prepared soundbites about Yuuri and their gender from their current rink-mates, close friends and family. So they ventured out from there.

Phichit told the media he called it when they were roommates in Detroit but that he wished Yuuri the best and was happy they were being true to themselves.

Chris said something much the same but layered with innuendo.

But then it got…awkward at best and painful at worst.

Michele said it was weird and that he didn’t get it…but did add that his sister told him to respect Yuuri’s pronouns so he would.

Emil just shrugged and said it wasn’t any of his business.

Otabek just stared down the cameras.

Leo and Guang Hong both seemed flustered about being asked and stumbled over the correct pronouns. Leo held his face in his hands at the end of an interview whispering “they, they, it’s not that hard idiot” whereas Guang Hong grabbed a mic and said earnestly into the camera “I’m so sorry Yuuri I’m still learning please be patient with me!”

Minami didn’t say anything in an interview other than he still respected Yuuri but he looked confused.

***

JJ said he didn’t get it. Yuuri was a man wasn’t he? He clearly was a man and “they” wasn’t correct grammar at all and there were “obviously only two genders”.

In the lead up to Worlds JJ used “he” in reference to Yuuri Every. Single. Time. Victor was fuming by the time they got to the hotel.

Yuuri had got him calmed down before they went down to the lobby to meet Phichit and Chris for dinner.

Yuuri was having one of those few days where they couldn’t really decide their gender so was wearing a bit of a mix with men’s trousers and shoes but a comfortable blouse and just some eyeliner and lip gloss.

“Yuuri! How are you feeling?” Phichit asked hugging his friend.

“Nervous but that’s normal” Yuuri said with a laugh as they returned the hug. Chris greeted them with a kiss on each cheek just to fluster them and rile up Victor.

“Looking forward to another silver?” Chris teased, “It goes well with your fiancé’s hair”

Victor slung an arm around Yuuri’s shoulder.

“My Yuuri is going to take home gold because he’s-“ Victor began.

“They” Yuuri reminded him quietly.

“they’re the most beautiful skater on the ice” Victor corrected himself smoothly and smiled down at Yuuri.

“See not even Victor uses that ridiculous “they” nonsense. It’s just a publicity stunt” a voice stage whispered to their left.

Yuuri tensed and Victor whipped his head around, steam almost coming out of his ears before his eyes landed on JJ. He started to let his arm fall from around Yuuri’s shoulders, preparing to take a step and confront JJ.

“Don’t!” Yuuri whispered sharply. Victor froze and looked back at Yuuri who stood with their whole body tense, “I don’t want to start anything and I don’t really believe he’s malicious, just ignorant” they said quietly.

Phichit snorted.

“Then he needs to be educated.” The little Thai bundle of sunshine and asskickings said and skipped out of Yuuri’s range to confront JJ.

“Hey! Canadian Bacon!” Phichit yelled getting JJ’s attention. Phichit stepped up into his space, his face stern.

“Listen here Maple Syrup. You don’t have to get it but Yuuri is serious about their gender. The least you can do is respect that” Phichit said firmly.

JJ scratched his head.

“But there are only two genders, it’s just science…” he began but was stopped by Phichit’s groan of frustration.

“Look Curling. I can send you a multitude of studies that proves that gender exists on a spectrum throughout nature and humanity and always has and I will but that’s beside the point. It distresses your competitor when you ignore their pronouns so because you want to win fair and square you’re going to _respect Yuuri’s pronouns_ **got it**?!?” Phichit finished his speech waving a finger in JJ’s face.

“O…kay?” JJ promised, his hands held up like he was being held at gunpoint.

“GOOD!” Phichit gave a sharp nod and returned to their group.

“Thank you Phichit,” Yuuri told their friend as they walked to the restaurant.

“No problem Yuuri! I always got your back boo!” Phichit told him cheerful.

“But your insults sucked. Curling? What even was that?” Yuuri laughed.

“I HAVE A LIMITED KNOWLEDGE OF CANADA OKAY!”

***

+++

The world turned, competitions passed, medals were won.

Yuuri got more comfortable being out despite calls home being tense affairs when their parents would call them their “son” and not understand why Yuuri winced.

Visits went better. Mari took them to get their ears pierced and passed on some of their favourite earrings which were perfectly gender neutral.

The triplets loved it, especially when Yuuri let the girls practice make overs on them.

Things really changed for Yuuri though when they started to get the tweets and fan letters from kids who felt as confused as they once did.

“I don’t know what I am but I’m so happy someone I look up to understands that feeling”

“It feels good to not be alone”

“My child just came out to me as non-binary and we both love figure skating. When you came out my child cried tears of happiness. Thank you”

They occasionally got hate but the support network surrounding them took care of the trolls and bigots for them.

But those messages from people saying “I am like you and you give me courage” led to Yuuri giving several interviews and appearing on quite a few talk shows, including Ellen to talk about their experiences.

Sometimes Victor appeared with them. Sometimes not.

On Ellen she asked Victor what his reaction was to the news his fiancé was in fact genderfluid and the answer surprised Yuuri and yet was gratifying.

“I didn’t react the best way I could have done” Victor began, his face serious, “I didn’t condemn Yuuri or laugh it off but I didn’t take it seriously enough either. I didn’t know anything about non-binary genders and I didn’t research. I relied solely on what Yuuri was willing to tell me and ultimately that hurt Yuuri. Yuuri basically had to come out to me twice. The first time failed because I failed to recognise this as something important. That meant the second coming out was worse. Yuuri had to crack open their heart twice because of my negligence.” Victor looked straight into a camera “If someone you love comes out to you as non-binary or transgender don’t laugh it off. Don’t say it doesn’t matter and look away. Research. Learn. Ask Questions. Listen to the answers. Treat it as important because it is.”

Yuuri fell in love all over again.

“It wasn’t just you Victor. I could have pushed and tried to make you take it seriously and yet I didn’t. I let my fear dictate my life yet again. It took a lot of courage to come out and I know in some parts of the world and the internet I am hated because of what I am but I also discovered how many people are like me. How I’m not nearly as alone as I thought. My family and friends have meant I have a great support system and I know others aren’t nearly as lucky as I am. But I want them to know that they aren’t alone. That they are valid and deserve every kind of love and happiness in their lives. I’m still struggling to believe that myself and I have such great support so I know it’s hard but I also know it’s true.

You, sitting at home right now, afraid to tell anyone, maybe in an unsafe place.

You are loved and valid. I love you. I don’t know you but I love you and I recognise you.”

Ellen cried.

Victor cried.

Yuuri cried.

Phichit left a 20-minute voicemail of him gross sobbing into the phone.

Yurio left a message telling Yuuri he was agender but not to tell anyone else yet and also to say he was NOT crying he just had allergies.

Yuuri still had bad days and sometimes the press or the internet was cruel but they felt profoundly lucky and happy that most days were good rather than bad and even the bad days were easier now.

On the anniversary of that second coming out Yuuri took Victor out for dinner in a beautiful evening dress and the biggest smile. They felt seen and loved and known and while things weren’t perfect they were good and that was something to rejoice over.

**Author's Note:**

> Couple of things.  
> 1\. The opening conversation between Yuuri and Victor is 100% based on a conversation/crying fit that happened about a year ago between me and my husband. Husband was Victor and is much better at understanding now.
> 
> 2\. In fact most of these experiences are based on mine from the last year of coming out. Including the people who don't get it but are kind of supportive in a very ineffective way.
> 
> 3\. I felt it was unrealistic for 100% of the skaters to be supportive and I honestly feel JJ while he is absolutely being transphobic and an asshole, Yuuri is right and he is more misinformed than malicious. I like to believe he read all the articles that Phichit sent him and sent Yuuri and apology fruit basket and tried to get the pronouns right in future even though he still fully admits to "not getting it" He's honestly just the skater most likely to be an asshole about this
> 
> 4\. I didn't intend to make Yurio agender it just happened organically but it honestly makes a lot of sense.


End file.
